OK Kanmani ^_^

I am waiting for his return. It is a beautiful day with mild soundless rain pouring like a charm. The climate is chill and perfect to sit near the window pane with a-cup-of-coffee-with-a-novel and look at the rain drops going hither and tither. But, there is a tension filled in the air, I can hear my heart pounding faster. As soon as he enters, I want to hold him tight and break the news. I know that he will respect my decision and will say ‘yes’. After all, he is such a sweet heart! We have been friends since childhood (Think, two decades). We grew up together in the same orphanage along with so many other people who are our close friends now. There has never been a celebration without him and even now, after all this has happened, he has been my strong pillar of support. All along he has been, that one friend for lifetime, if you want me to put it in simple terms.

                            I called him almost ten times since evening. He said he had work and would be back once it’s done. I didn’t want to sound tensed. So I maintained calm because he would unnecessarily leave all the work that he has got unfinished. I didn’t want that to happen and neither did I want to reveal it through text (though that would save all the embarrassment). Let him come home!

                             Doorbell rings! Alas! I get up from my bed, keep aside the pizzas that I had ordered and rush to open the door. He smells divine. Yes, he looks sick and tired yet this smell of his makes me go wild. He hugs me as soon as he enters with a broad smile. He goes to get freshen up; meanwhile, I make the table. We settle to have pizzas. I think of blurting it out, but, yeah, let him relax for a while. He is surprised to see all the efforts that I had made to light candles, keep the flower vase (most importantly, to clean the table). He kisses on my cheek in happiness when I open and serve his ‘extra cheesy, capsicum topped pizza’ from Dominos. I also have my favorite garlic bread and regular veggie pizza with extra toppings of spices. He pours the wine into the glass as I begin to talk.

                      ‘Stevin! Let’s get married noooowwwww!!!’ I say and get back a shocked face from the other side. He begins ‘Are you alright? Don’t get drunk more than this….I promised you a vacation to Mauritius during this summer and let’s get married there, sweet heart. Wasn’t that our plan? Stop all this drunken talks and finish your pizza... Give me that last piece of garlic bread.’

                                      I knew all this. Who wouldn’t want that perfect holiday wedding? We even have our flight tickets ready. But, I can’t wait now. We still have solid 6 months for the summer to come. ‘I know, but listen, can we file a case against the company? We can’t right? It’s not in our hands. It’s over Stevin. You can’t escape now, get me that ring’ I wink back naughtily. Now it was the second shock of the night for him. ‘What? What did you just split out? Are you? Oh Jesus! I can’t just believe it Swetha’ he yells out loudly in happiness. I tell him I don’t want the fetus to be aborted and he accepts it without asking or demanding any questions or explanations.  He says ‘ Ok kanmani !’ He is as excited as I am.

                                      ‘Can’t we wait for the sun to rise? We’ll meet the father at the church tomorrow and get married, Swethu!’ he says sweetly. I had already made up my mind to get married today and I ask what is wrong today. ‘Rain-climate-you-me-our baby, everything is just perfect right now. Isn’t that all we need? We’ll exchange rings now and get officially registered tomorrow. Plus, you know right? I always wanted to get married on a rainy evening. Today is the day and now is the moment. Go and get ready’.  Now that I have explained so much, he can’t tell no for it.  We get dressed up in our best outfits. We stand near the balcony, gaze at the sky, pray to god and exchange rings which we had bought for our wedding at Mauritius. And Tada! We are married. How crazy is that? We click selfies and share the craziness. For a girl, who was grown up in an orphanage all her life, Stevin was more than a god’s gift! He is my savior and now I am his wife. Woooaaaah!! How exciting does it sound? It is time to celebrate!!!...... He opens up the champagne bottle and suddenly when the sparling white wine oozes out, I wake up.

                      Ouch! I pinch myself. It was a dream. Doorbell rings, Alas! I get up from my bed, keep aside the pizzas that I had ordered and rush to open the door. I don’t recognize his smell coz it’s his friend Lee and not Stevin. Did I tell you that Stevin lives with god? Heaven, yeah, he doesn’t live here, with me. Lee has been with me all along. We are living together ever since Stevin left me. Six months have passed since that fatal accident. He is here to take care of me coz he knows I will do something mad thinking about Stevin. Lee looks quite fresh; I serve him pizza and break the news. It’s not that, we both wanted each other. He completely knows me and also believes in my love. My eternal love is for Stevin. He knows that I wouldn’t love anyone else but Stevin. The wine and the memories about him made me go crazy that day and things went out of control. We both know that was a mistake. He readily accepts my decision to abort the fetus though it could have been a little Stevin out there. I don’t want a child if it’s not from Stevin. He holds me tight, as we stand near the balcony, gaze at the sky and search for Stevin’s smile and his winking nod….

Sky as the roof

She was still at the river. Silent and stunning. 
He was crazy in love. Silly but brilliant.
He came running to tell her the truth. He opened his mouth but no words came.
They stood there speechless , near the fire, holding their hands, gazing at the moon. They traversed to reach the stars and realized that they just had their first sparkle , all new and tender.
A man, a kiss, a fire, a mountain, a river, a raindrop , a moon, a footstep.
She looked at it and wondered if it was real and then wondered why she was wondering. 
He then remembered the dream which he had as a kid, to go, sit there on the river bed and gaze endlessly at the stars and moon with his loved one!
So, was it a dream turned into reality or was it a real dream?
He threw his dreams into the space like a kite, and he didn't know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love or may be a new planet?
It brought him his angel whose heart sank into her shoes as she realized how much she wanted him no matter what he had done. 
She was the Northern Wind, sending shivers down his spine. He was like fallen leaves ,in an autumn night. She was the the lullaby that was singing him to sleep and he was the other half for a missing piece.
One day someone had told her that , someone will hug her tight , make promises , bring a sparkle and join all her broken heart pieces into a beautiful dream just like how she used to solve her puzzle games. Now, she could see the puzzle almost done with those final few pieces struggling to find it's way.
He found in her smile something more beautiful than the stars... and he wondered how could he make it hang in there forever! He wished his brain had a map to tell him where to go... they were stuck out there bold and beautiful. They were etched together forever, never apart , may be in distance but not in heart.
It was like a game of chess where he said " checkmate" and the queen fell for the last move of the king. How beautiful was it to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything and be okay with it? 
She was waiting for the puzzle to be perfect , she was searching for the lost piece to fix it in there.... that was when she again remembered someone telling her that there will be the one who will tell her as he removes brick by brick that she will no longer need any walls because he would protect her with his. And finally "SHE" was the last piece that fitted there perfectly who wanted to hear his heart as they fall asleep together and love him till eternity , the best way a woman could love a man!

Cause I love you more than words can ever say....

Do you remember the days,
The days our lives were touched?
I remember your eyes,
Eyes of passion, love and tender..
That moment in time, forever young,
You made my knees go weak.

You made me dream,
Cause our love had found it's way...
You were a spirit,
Bold and beautiful..
And you made me plunge in love,
Deep and sheltered.

 Memories got etched into our souls,
I was looking for a way..
To keep the magic that you bring..
And then came the nervous wreck, not surely why...
I looked into your eyes the last time,
Everything about you I wanted to call mine.

I'd walk a thousand miles ,
And shed a million tears, 
If I could be with you..
Day after day ..
Cause I love you more than words can ever say.

It could have happened before!

How many of us have experienced déjà vu? Well, most of us would have. Getting a strong sense of déjà vu can be exciting and cause your hormones to move to a higher than normal state. That moment, where you will feel “Oh! Yeah, I knew that was going to happen” or “Holy Christ! I know that guy” or “Come on! I know this place! I have been here before” can be an experience by itself. The irony is that- you would not have truly known that it was going to happen, you would have never met that “Holy Christ” guy in your life and you would have never been to that place before. It is simply more exciting that way! Isn’t it? Welcome to the world of déjà vu.

     Sitting in an almost-empty (there were only 3 people, including me) waiting room, at a railway station, that too in a totally strange small town called gooty ( It is a beautiful  town in Andhra Pradesh, where people speak Telugu which we don’t see or hear in any Telugu movies) can be a near to deadly boring experience. I was waiting for Kacheguda express, which was scheduled to arrive at 22.28 pm and depart at 22.30 pm from gooty. I had reached the station well in advance (2 hours in advance to be precise) to avoid the last minute confusion and also because I didn’t know that place and the language (though I could read Telugu).

I had just finished eating my supper (the mandatory southern-railway- special idli vada) and was sitting like one clueless duck at the waiting hall. Slowly, my attention was diverted towards this guy, who was sitting right opposite to me (Yeah, I was fortunate to spot a young man there rather than an ageing bald man). When I saw him minutely, I could strongly tell that he resembled someone I knew real close. It was an intense thought process which I went into but I couldn’t get back to whom he resembled.

 He was wearing a stripped blue (dull blue) shirt with perfect jean to match, Levis I guess. His hair was trimmed perfectly (not too much cropped and not too stylish), it had little waves, only at the extreme ends. His eyes were blueish to some extent but they spoke innumerable words (If only I could describe them). A small stud in the left ear was the “wow” accessory. He kept tapping his foot while his red Lumia earphone was plugged on to his ears. It was Dark blue sports shoe with red colored lace. Finally there was his black color medium sized fast-track back pack. He seemed pretty rich to me.( Lets call him Lumia )

On the other hand, I was listening to the same evergreen Ilayaraja songs on my phone and was pretending as though I didn’t even know that he existed in that room (though it was obvious to the other man in that room that all my eyes were glued to Lumia. I was trying to relate his resemblance, you see).

Time passed slowly and a call broke the chilling silence of that room. Lumia answered the call and spoke to someone in Telugu (This was ‘the pakka movie Telugu’ and so I could understand). From what he blabbered over the phone I guessed it should be either his close friend or his girl because once he kept that call he started texting and was silently laughing at the texts. 

When all this was happening, I had this constant feeling that we would travel together. I felt we had travelled together before! How on earth was that even possible? I don’t know what made me think that. There were 4 trains scheduled at around the same time as that of mine and were towards Secandrabad, Bangalore, and Mumbai. The worst case was that, my ticket was waitlisted and I had very less chances of getting a confirmed berth. Amidst this hard situation, I had that thought of travelling together with Lumia (Ok, who wouldn’t expect a varanam aayiram scene in their every single train journey. If you don’t know the movie, watch this link).

So, yeah, time flew away and it was 22.25, already. Time had come for my train to arrive. No announcement was made till then and so I picked up my bags, gave Lumia my last sight (slow, melancholic back ground tune-may be) and started walking towards the station master room to enquire about the arrival timings. I was informed that train was late by 20 minutes and would at around 23.00 pm. With a little disappointment and excitement I went back to the waiting hall! YAY! And again there he was, Dear Lumia, smiling at me this time. He started the conversation in kannada “Chennai train ge wait madthidhira ?? Yaavaglu adhu late e kanri, 11 o clock ge train barodhu” (Are you waiting for Chennai train? It’s always late. It’ll come only at 11) 

Mind voice: Wow! So, he knew that I knew Kannada. How? Oh! I talked in Kannada over phone to appa. So, he listened to my conversations as well. So, he was also noticing me. YAY!! But, he speaks Kannada; he must be waiting for Bangalore train then :( 

 

I thanked him but didn’t ask him where he was headed to, simply, to shut off my train of imaginations. Soon, Announcement was made about the train and I waded away in search of my platform number and coach number. My mind still didn’t believe all this was happening. My situation two hours before was just pathetic and opposite. I had met (okay; just saw) that man few minutes back and I was feeling that I knew him all long? I asked my heart to stop ringing tunes and then came the train. I boarded S8 compartment and randomly sat in one empty berth (remember? my ticket was waitlisted). 

Guess what! Lumia was there- right opposite to me - again- in my train. I told you? Didn’t I? He started the conversation again and this time, I didn’t stop my heart from ringing. It rang loud and beautiful with Ilayaraja Background score. We indeed travelled together!  It was the picture I had in my mind. It was the timing which I had imagined. Everything was so picture perfect. It seemed so familiar yet strangely new. It felt so relieved yet so very confused. Or was it an omen just like Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist “When you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”

Or simply, It was déjà vu.

The official break up letter.

Disclaimer : This post is a personal matter of solicitation. Please think twice before investing your precious time in it.


 Where do I start ? I'm not exactly sure how to put this. I never thought I would be writing a letter like this to you. There were times when I thought our love would stand the test of time. It's not even your fault. I think its high time. Our relationship has been going through this rocky phase for a long time. I tried so many ways to patch it up but everything in vain. Our love is not the same now. It is not how it was before. When I first chanced upon you,  I went through a phase full of discoveries. You made me feel special. You showered your love on me. You were very caring and nice to me. I must admit, things between us had a great start ! I couldn't resist talking about you. You were my world. You taught me to explore new things. You have been my lady luck. It pains to admit this, but my love for you has faded away.

I am not writing this letter asking you to come back to me nor do I wish that you would come back to me! It's just that feeling of "how-could-you-do-this-to-me". I trusted you. Didn't I ? You are unable to trust me now, despite the fact I have never given you a reason for mistrust. I don't know. I yearned for your love. When people around me wanted you to take them on a ride ,you chose me ! How sweet was that? I would say, I was even a little proud that you chose me  ! You would stick to me no matter what. I poured my unconditional love. WE WERE PERFECT the way we were. As I am writing this, I can see nothing but the pages and thoughts from our time together. Why did you suddenly start hating me? Was it my fault? No. Was it yours? No. I agree, I did try to spend time with someone else but don't you know ? Will I ever shift places? I thought you knew me ! Now,  We just make each other miserable instead of happy, and make life harder rather than easier. It is time to call it quits and go our separate ways.

How many times we said to each other that this was over and again patched up the next second. You made me go that wild. But this time I 'm not coming back. When so many people told me that you were not worth it, I just didn't care. What mattered to me was only you. Don't tell me that you tried to make a clown out of me. You think you are the smartest person in this world and everyone else is stupid? It's not really how things are. Don't try to make a fool face out of yourselves. You better try to act humble and stop bringing the shit out of people.

 I don't know if I would get a person like you in future but I am sure to find someone better that you.  Hope you will honor my decision and not ask me to reconsider, as I have not arrived at it casually. I do not want either one of us to go through this painful process twice because I truly believe that this is the best resolution for both of us. We still have an opportunity to part quietly and with dignity, and I think we should take it now. Its time to call it off officially. My dear math, It's over.